This is not a life update, not entirely. I'm still stuck in a pool of quandary, so I have nothing new to tell you about my life. However, lately, I've been thinking about something and I wanted to share it here as this is the platform where I unleash my thoughts that I'm otherwise unable or unwilling to share elsewhere.
I've been thinking about quitting writing. It's been months I haven't been able to write. I have multiple stories, all laid out and formed neatly in my head but I can't for the sake of my like put it into words. After a few sentences, I can't move on with the story. And this has never happened before. If you read my early posts, you'll notice how flawed my English skills were. However, I could write with much more confidence and determination back then than I can now. I didn't post it here but I published a lot of writing on wattpad and on other mediums back then. What I'm trying to say is that now I no longer have the confidence and the sheer pressure to choose the most descriptive and eloquent word makes my hand quiver and heart shatter. I can't find the right word to describe the scenario in my head. I try switching to a different language that I'm proficient in but it doesn't help either. In all languages, I'm lacking. There are people who are way less "smart" than me but when I compare my choice of words and my word flow to theirs, I feel incredibly worthless. I feel like my writing hasn't improved and if anything, it's gotten worse. I can't use imagery or comedy or other rhetoric devices. My writing is more bland and uninteresting than steamed green beans.
This inability to write has led to me crying and feeling miserable numerous times. It's also brought up the question of why I write. Why am I so keen on continuing writing? Is it truly because I enjoy it and writing helps me relieve my stress? Or is it because I've used writing as a coping mechanism before, believing it to be an integral part of me and now I'm afraid to let it go? Am I afraid that I will lose that part of me and change as a person if I don't write? Am I afraid of what will become of me if I quit writing? Do I really have a talent for writing or it was pure luck the few times people praised my writing? Can I display the same skills and impact my readers with my fantasy or other genres of writings the same way I can with my personal narratives? Should I continue pursuing writing when words refuse to comply with my ideas? Is it worth feeling so miserable for something that I can survive, without?
So many questions. Not a single confident answer. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Until I can assuredly make a decision about my life or my writing future, I hope you all stay well.
I've been thinking about quitting writing. It's been months I haven't been able to write. I have multiple stories, all laid out and formed neatly in my head but I can't for the sake of my like put it into words. After a few sentences, I can't move on with the story. And this has never happened before. If you read my early posts, you'll notice how flawed my English skills were. However, I could write with much more confidence and determination back then than I can now. I didn't post it here but I published a lot of writing on wattpad and on other mediums back then. What I'm trying to say is that now I no longer have the confidence and the sheer pressure to choose the most descriptive and eloquent word makes my hand quiver and heart shatter. I can't find the right word to describe the scenario in my head. I try switching to a different language that I'm proficient in but it doesn't help either. In all languages, I'm lacking. There are people who are way less "smart" than me but when I compare my choice of words and my word flow to theirs, I feel incredibly worthless. I feel like my writing hasn't improved and if anything, it's gotten worse. I can't use imagery or comedy or other rhetoric devices. My writing is more bland and uninteresting than steamed green beans.
This inability to write has led to me crying and feeling miserable numerous times. It's also brought up the question of why I write. Why am I so keen on continuing writing? Is it truly because I enjoy it and writing helps me relieve my stress? Or is it because I've used writing as a coping mechanism before, believing it to be an integral part of me and now I'm afraid to let it go? Am I afraid that I will lose that part of me and change as a person if I don't write? Am I afraid of what will become of me if I quit writing? Do I really have a talent for writing or it was pure luck the few times people praised my writing? Can I display the same skills and impact my readers with my fantasy or other genres of writings the same way I can with my personal narratives? Should I continue pursuing writing when words refuse to comply with my ideas? Is it worth feeling so miserable for something that I can survive, without?
So many questions. Not a single confident answer. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Until I can assuredly make a decision about my life or my writing future, I hope you all stay well.
