To Be, or Not To Be

This is not a life update, not entirely. I'm still stuck in a pool of quandary, so I have nothing new to tell you about my life. However, lately, I've been thinking about something and I wanted to share it here as this is the platform where I unleash my thoughts that I'm otherwise unable or unwilling to share elsewhere.

I've been thinking about quitting writing. It's been months I haven't been able to write. I have multiple stories, all laid out and formed neatly in my head but I can't for the sake of my like put it into words. After a few sentences, I can't move on with the story. And this has never happened before. If you read my early posts, you'll notice how flawed my English skills were. However, I could write with much more confidence and determination back then than I can now. I didn't post it here but I published a lot of writing on wattpad and on other mediums back then. What I'm trying to say is that now I no longer have the confidence and the sheer pressure to choose the most descriptive and eloquent word makes my hand quiver and heart shatter. I can't find the right word to describe the scenario in my head. I try switching to a different language that I'm proficient in but it doesn't help either. In all languages, I'm lacking. There are people who are way less "smart" than me but when I compare my choice of words and my word flow to theirs, I feel incredibly worthless. I feel like my writing hasn't improved and if anything, it's gotten worse. I can't use imagery or comedy or other rhetoric devices. My writing is more bland and uninteresting than steamed green beans.

This inability to write has led to me crying and feeling miserable numerous times. It's also brought up the question of why I write. Why am I so keen on continuing writing? Is it truly because I enjoy it and writing helps me relieve my stress? Or is it because I've used writing as a coping mechanism before, believing it to be an integral part of me and now I'm afraid to let it go? Am I afraid that I will lose that part of me and change as a person if I don't write? Am I afraid of what will become of me if I quit writing? Do I really have a talent for writing or it was pure luck the few times people praised my writing? Can I display the same skills and impact my readers with my fantasy or other genres of writings the same way I can with my personal narratives? Should I continue pursuing writing when words refuse to comply with my ideas? Is it worth feeling so miserable for something that I can survive, without?

So many questions. Not a single confident answer. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Until I can assuredly make a decision about my life or my writing future, I hope you all stay well. 

박진영: My Love

I've been thinking about posting something on this blog but I couldn't decide what I should post. I didn't finish the old short stories I'd been writing and couldn't come up with new ideas that I genuinely liked and felt passionate about either. I've only been able to write fanfic recently. So I decided I'd talk about a human who has become quite significant in my life recently.

His name is Park Jin Young- an actor, singer, dancer, rapper, songwriter, and choreographer. He blew into my life last summer like an unexpected windy storm. I had taken a liking in him after the first glance, even before I knew his name or what his personality was like. Nowadays, a part of me enjoys thinking it was my fate. Perhaps he was meant to be the man who'd guide my life's choices, for the time being.

I say for the time because I know I'll eventually fall out of love with him. I always get over things no matter how intensely I'd felt for something before. However, at this moment, I want to cherish the moments so that two, three, eight years later I can look back and smile fondly at the good memories.

He has an enticing personality that easily attracts people. Like all other human beings, he has his flaws. However, he has much more admirable traits than lousy ones so naturally, I couldn't help but be enamored. The more I learned about his respectable thoughts about life and certain aspects of it, my feelings deepened. I'm at a vulnerable point in my life where albeit I appreciate myself, I also can't be confident in my self and in the way I think. He thinks sensibly and maturely which helped me on multiple occasions to make a wise decision.

He's a hard-working man who's committed to his goal. Even though he's become so successful and there's more to come in future, he also faces many vacillations and he isn't ashamed of it. He and I have a lot of similarities in our preferences, however, he also has some characteristics that I lack and wish to have. This is why I admire him immensely and look up to him.

Just by being himself and living his life, he inspires me to be better and live better every day and I'm so grateful to have such a positive influencer in my life at a time when I really needed someone to stand by me, comforting and supporting me as I took steps towards my future.

He also has a great taste in literature lol.

A Spark of Randomness

Currently, it is past midnight as I type this in my room with the lights turned off and my parents thinking I'm long gone in sleep. I have some half-finished short stories on my draft of this blog that I will be posting soon, promise. In the meantime, I want to talk about all the short stories and novels (none finished) I wrote so far. Honestly, I don't even remember how many short stories and one-shots I wrote. It's a lot. However, I do remember the novels I started writing and never finished. I'll list them in chronological order, from the earliest to the latest:

1) Courage: about a girl who is super ordinary but later becomes extraordinary through her choices and actions. I posted first couple chapters of it here and I have more written but I felt like it was becoming too cheesy so I never finished it.

2) You're My Favorite Hater: a spiritual and romantic journey of the lives of two people. I published nineteen chapters on wattpad but then unpublished it in 2016 with my other works because I lost interest in this genre.

*lol I fell asleep in the middle of writing this ( >.< )
*I'm writing the rest three days later. So much for productivity ha ha

3) Perks of Being a Human: I co-authored it with one of my friends in 2015. It was about a girl who lives to collect rocks and observe people and throughout the novel, she talks about the people around her and their lives. She doesn't know much about herself but through her narration, the readers can learn a lot about her. We wrote 1.5 chapters and then never got enough opportunity to finish it.

4) Mr. Watson, His Family, and The Mystery Man: Probably the only novel which I felt so strongly about and still do. I still like the basic plot of the story and plan to finish it someday but there's probably gonna be a lot of changes. You can find an old summary of it on this blog.

I can't remember any more at this moment Idk why. I'll update this list once I remember the other ones or begin writing new ones. Thank you for investing your time and energy after this absolutely pointless post :)

Bottles of Happy

One day, a hawker came to a village with a basket full of bottles. "What do you have in those bottles?" asked a man.

"These are bottles of happy. If you drink one, you will become happy."

The villagers were excited to hear this; they started fighting each other to buy the bottles of happy. A young boy tried to go to the hawker but the crowd pushed him away. Sadly, he stood in a corner and waited until everyone has finished for his turn. Soon, the villagers were all happy with their bottles. The young boy went to the hawker, "I want to buy a bottle of happy too."

"Oh, poor child! I have no more." said the hawker.

The boy went to a man who was walking home with arms full of bottles. "Can you give me one bottle of happy?" "No. These are my bottles of happy. I need them to be happy." He asked another man, then another. "Go away! I can't give you my bottle of happy!" they all turned him away.

The boy went home, crying. From that day, he taught himself to be happy without a bottle of happy.

Months later, the villagers ran out of happy. All of the bottles were empty. "What do we do now?" The searched everywhere for that hawker to buy bottles of happy from him, but they couldn't find him. Then they saw the young boy living happily in his small house. They ran to him, "Can you give us a little bit from your bottle of happy?" they asked.

"But I don't have a bottle of happy." answered the boy.

"Then how can you be so happy?"

"I have grown this happy by myself. It is endless. I can share it with you."

The villagers thanked the boy for sharing his happy and went back home. Soon, they all learned how to feel happy from inside themselves. Then they all lived happily ever after and never bought a bottle of happy again. 

A Perfect City

A long time ago- and yet perhaps it wasn't such a very long time ago-

There was a city, so full of shopping malls and amusement parks and restaurants and cinemas that there was nothing else the citizens could ask for. There were cars with the fastest speed and no traffics. Schools with the best teachers and no failures. Laws with the best police and no criminals. Everything was in that in that city yet, the citizens were not happy.

The mayor of the city announced a huge prize for anyone who can cure the sorrow of the citizens, "Make my people happy" he said. And so everyone rushed to find the cure. Scientists invented new machines. Doctors created new medicines. Companies offered new video games. Still, there was no happiness.

A wise man came forth, "Perhaps we should change it back to how things were: green and natural."
"You're crazy!" they laughed. "We can't become cavemen again!" and so trees were cut and malls were built. Skyscrapers so tall and large that it could brighten up places miles away with its lights. Still, the citizens were unhappy.

They ran to their mayor, "Please, help!" they pleaded. The mayor gathered all the big and important people, "I will double the reward. Make my people happy." And so everyone rushed again. They searched every store and every house, hoping for something, anything that can bring happiness to their lives. Finally, they arrived at a hut next to an ancient pine tree.

"This is so ugly," said one kid.

"This doesn't belong in our beautiful, perfect city."
They tore the hut apart and proceeded to cut the tree.

"Don't!" the old lady of the hut cried, "this is the last tree standing."

They did not listen. Instead, they hired more labors and bought better machines to cut the tree. They worked for hours, days, and weeks. Finally, the tree was cut and it was a vacant land. "We'll come back tomorrow build a new cinema here, then our city will be perfect." The citizens went back home.

But for them, tomorrow never came; that night the ancient pine tree rose again. With a sore heart, it called all the other trees that were dead and buried under the tall buildings. They all awoke and recalled their past.
"I protected them from disaster, but they hurt me." said one young and broken tree.

 "I gave them wood and food, but they cut me down." said another.

 "Let's get revenge!" the trees grew again to take back what was originally their. They let their roots pierce through the streets and their branches spread into the buildings. One by one, the buildings began to fall. The cars and the toys and the books were all crumpled under the ruins.

At last, the city was green and happy and perfect. Alas! there was not a soul alive to enjoy it.

Are You Addicted?

I don't know about you all but I'm totally addicted...to a Chinese web series and its novel. To be more specific, the novel is called Are You Addicted written by Chai Jidan. The web series that was made from the book is called Addicted/ Heroin; the web series only covers 1/4 of book 1. They couldn't continue the series after episode 15 due to China's ban on homosexual content.

I came across to the web series on an ordinary night in February when I was surfing through YouTube, looking for something interesting. Only one episode in and I was absolutely madly in love. It was a school night and I stayed up the entire time binge-watching the series. Episode 15 ended on a cliffhanger and upon discovering that the series was discontinued due to the ban, I was utterly devastated. I can't tell you how many nights I went to sleep hoping that I'd wake up to find that they secretly continued the story. The idea of one day dying without being able to learn the rest of the story stung my heart. It's ridiculous, I know. This is how attached I was to this story.

Anyway, a week ago, I stumbled upon the English translation of the novel. The happiness and excitement I felt...I can't measure the level or intensity of it but I know I haven't felt so happy for many, many days. From the moment I found the translation to yesterday afternoon, there was only one thing in my head: Addicted. Despite this being my spring break and despite my AP exams being merely a month away, I couldn't get myself to do anything but read the novel. I finished Book two yesterday and even though, I liked the ending of the story, there was an unexpected hollow feeling in my heart. Addicted was my happy little pill and I never wanted it to end. Still, all good things must come to an end so yeah, I don't have many complaints, only a tiny shade in the corner of my heart.

Now, let me give you a sneak peak of the story. As I've already indicated, It's a homosexual romance story. The crazy love story of two crazy boys- Bai Luo Yin and Gu Hai. They both have their own flaws and weaknesses but regardless, they support and complete each other. What I love the most about this story is how genuine and stereotype-free it is. Most Asian LGBT content tends to fetishize same-sex relationships and impose some disturbing and disgusting fantasies on the characters and the relationship, making is absolutely absurd. For example, having one male character act as the "women" in the relationship or one girl act as the "man" in the relationship when the relationship is not straight! There are so many other things like this, but that's another day's topic. What I want to say is that Gu Hai and Bai Luo Yin's love story is one that defines perfectness.

(my favorite picture of the two fools: Da Hai and Yin Zi)

Oh, it's not just the two MCs that make Addicted addicting, but all the other characters in the story as well. There's a side pair in the story too (hint: the other two boys on the cover) All 13 episodes of the web series are on YouTube. I recommend reading the translation by Sae on Wattpad. However, she hasn't finished translating and currently in Book two Chapter 57 I believe. There's another translation on WordPress which has both of the books as well as the spin-off story of the side pair.

P.S. I'm crushing on Gu Hai's ex lolol. She's EXtremely attractive.

I Don't Like Kpop anymore

Well, I guess the title already explains what I'm going to say today. If you've looked at my other posts on this blog, you'll realize that I'm a huge fangirl, of a lot of things which includes Kpop, Kdrama, and just South Korean Entertainment industry in general.

I was introduced to it in 2010. When I was in 5th grade, one of my friends told me about Kdramas that her cousins brought from Saudi Arabia. I watched a bit of Boys Over Flowers and really loved it. Due to my country's slow and expensive internet during that time, I couldn't feed my Kdrama desires. However, after moving to the United States, I was absorbed in a world of Kdramas which eventually led me to Kpop. I knew BTS, EXO, BIGBANG, SHINee for a long time but I always avoided them because I knew Kpop is addictive and I was already a fan of so many other things. I didn't have time for Kpop.

During my Sophomore year in High School, I met one of my best friends who was a hardcore ARMY and VIP and because of her, I checked out many BTS and BIGBANG songs despite not being a music person. My Junior year of High School was when I got into Kpop through Twice's TT dance practice video that was playing in our school's Korean culture club meeting. Anyway, long story short, I became addicted to Twice and then later Got7, and my chances of stop being a trash were gone.

Being a hardcore fangirl is the only way I know, to be truthful. I was never a moderate fan of anything. There were days and weeks and months when I thought of nothing but GOT7 and TWICE. I had no reason to live one day after another besides these two groups. In a way, I'm grateful because they made me laugh and comforted me during some of my worst times in life. However, as time passed by, I realized how heavily I was dependent on them. They took over almost every part of my life and I slowly realized how negatively it was affecting my life. Well, it's not particularly their fault tbh. So many people love Kpop and still lead a healthy lifestyle. I guess I'm just not one of them. After striving for so many years, I realized, I just can't be one of them.

I'm still going through a rough time in life and Kpop would have really helped me. It was helping me, a lot. However, lately, I often find myself watching Got7 videos not because I necessarily want to but because I have nothing else to distract myself with. As much as I love them, I find myself getting tired of their songs except for a few non-title tracks. Twice too, I love their new MVs and they still lift up my mood but it's only temporary. I find myself overwhelmed and exhausted way too soon.

 I'm still deeply in love with Park Jinyoung and Yoo Jeongyeon. I'd still watch any show Jinyoung has a part in because I live for actor Jinyoung. I'd love to listen if Jeongyeon releases solos but other than that, I just...can't. I don't want to fake it. I don't want to force myself to watch their videos or listen to their songs. I knew I'd grow out of Kpop soon, but I didn't realize it'd be now. Throughout my life, I've been into many, many fandoms and grew out of them and Kpop was nothing different, it's just that I can't let go atm.

I'm still probably going to waste hours on Youtube, AO3, and fansites but it's only because I have nothing else to keep my mind occupied with.

sorry, this got a little too personal but I needed to get this off of my chest. Adios mis amigos invisibles, until next time :)