Hello There~

Hello, not sure if anyone's going to read this but I wanted to write this as I've documented many parts of my life here and I want to continue that tradition.

So many things have happened in the past few months yet, sometimes it feels like barely anything happened at all. I'm back to school. Even a few weeks ago I couldn't picture myself in a classroom but here I am now in a crowd of strangers for hours in a week.

Do I want to change? I've battled this question fruitlessly and tirelessly for a so long that at some point I think I decided to push it away and pretend that I don't see it lingering in the corner of my mind. Today I bring it up again because going back to school made me realize how little I've changed as a person. To change into a different version of me is an incredibly difficult process- I realize this more and more each day as I try to alter the current version of me to fit an image that I think I and others around me may like better. But to change means to abandon the persona I've been carrying for all these years. The persona that has been so kind to me, so considerate of me, and did her best to make sure this heart is safe and secure. My current identity is something I actually quite like, so to change in my eyes seems as though forgetting who I am and pretending to be someone I'm not. Though, as I grow older, it seems almost necessary to live as someone I'm not in order to have a "successful and normal life."

Anyway, more than two years ago I wrote a post on how to stop being a fangirl and if you've read any of the posts from the past two years, you know I didn't go through that plan of being a "regular" girl. However, I have made the decision to unstan my ult group and tbh I'm not very upset about that. I feel less guilty and more liberated now that I've detached myself officially. I still like Park Jinyoung a lot and support some other artists in the group but officially unstanning the group took away the sense of pressure to always support them or be up to date with all of their activities. I'm happy with the way things are now.

I've read many good manhwa/webcomics in the meanwhile. Some of my most favorite series are coming to an end or have recently ended and I'm still not over them. These comics were there for me, they comforted me, they made me smile for the past few years at times when I, myself, couldn't take care of me. To have them just eliminated at this stage of my life, it's a little difficult to adjust. I'm now desperately reading new series to find something that can replace them and help me survive life the way they did. So far, the success rate is quite low.

What else? I've gone out way more than usual in the past two months. Been talking to friends and family more often than before. I'm proud of myself for surviving this summer. Kind of want to make a post about some of the newer manhwas that I've read in the past one and a half years and didn't mention here before. Let's see how that goes. Stay well until then! 

To Be, or Not To Be

This is not a life update, not entirely. I'm still stuck in a pool of quandary, so I have nothing new to tell you about my life. However, lately, I've been thinking about something and I wanted to share it here as this is the platform where I unleash my thoughts that I'm otherwise unable or unwilling to share elsewhere.

I've been thinking about quitting writing. It's been months I haven't been able to write. I have multiple stories, all laid out and formed neatly in my head but I can't for the sake of my like put it into words. After a few sentences, I can't move on with the story. And this has never happened before. If you read my early posts, you'll notice how flawed my English skills were. However, I could write with much more confidence and determination back then than I can now. I didn't post it here but I published a lot of writing on wattpad and on other mediums back then. What I'm trying to say is that now I no longer have the confidence and the sheer pressure to choose the most descriptive and eloquent word makes my hand quiver and heart shatter. I can't find the right word to describe the scenario in my head. I try switching to a different language that I'm proficient in but it doesn't help either. In all languages, I'm lacking. There are people who are way less "smart" than me but when I compare my choice of words and my word flow to theirs, I feel incredibly worthless. I feel like my writing hasn't improved and if anything, it's gotten worse. I can't use imagery or comedy or other rhetoric devices. My writing is more bland and uninteresting than steamed green beans.

This inability to write has led to me crying and feeling miserable numerous times. It's also brought up the question of why I write. Why am I so keen on continuing writing? Is it truly because I enjoy it and writing helps me relieve my stress? Or is it because I've used writing as a coping mechanism before, believing it to be an integral part of me and now I'm afraid to let it go? Am I afraid that I will lose that part of me and change as a person if I don't write? Am I afraid of what will become of me if I quit writing? Do I really have a talent for writing or it was pure luck the few times people praised my writing? Can I display the same skills and impact my readers with my fantasy or other genres of writings the same way I can with my personal narratives? Should I continue pursuing writing when words refuse to comply with my ideas? Is it worth feeling so miserable for something that I can survive, without?

So many questions. Not a single confident answer. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Until I can assuredly make a decision about my life or my writing future, I hope you all stay well.